Narcissistic jokes - all I could find

Crazy narcissistic jokes
The following jokes are intended to explain some of the psychodynamics associated with narcissists. They are not intended to make fun of the narcissist but to make light of a difficult situation, providing some comfort to the family, especially children and partners, of a narcissist. They are also intended to be accurate from the point of view of the psychologist or psychiatrist, thereby providing a gateway towards understanding the condition. One fact which the family of the narcissist is likely to forget is that while it is distressing to live with a person who has a narcissistic disorder, the person who has the narcissistic disorder is also suffering.

# How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, a narcissist will always manage to find someone else to carry out a menial chore like that.

# What is one way to irritate a narcissist?
Pretend to enjoy doing the lowly menial chores which the narcissist has given you to do. It will make the narcissist think that he or she is missing out on something.

# Why does a narcissist get upset or moody after having just spent lots of time in his/her own company?
Well how would you feel just after having spent lots of time in the company of a narcissist?

# What should you say when a narcissist asks you what you want for your birthday?
Anything but what you actually want, at least then you will have a slim chance of actually getting what you want instead of what the narcissist thinks you ought to want.

# Psychiatrist interviewing narcissist Psychiatrist: "What is your favourite Christmas carol?"
Narcissist (with a straight face): "Hark the Herald Angels Sing About ME"

# Heated conversation between a narcissist and his/her spouse
Narcissist's spouse: I'm not like you!
Narcissist: Oh yes you are, you're as bossy as anything!(this is an example of 'projection')

# What's a narcissist's idea of being a "slave"?
Not being able to boss everyone else about.

# What is a narcissist's idea of equality?
Being equally bossy to everyone else

# Why does a narcissist find it so difficult to empathise with others?
Because he (or she) is always so busy empathising with himself (or herself)

# Why do narcissists so often complain of feeling exhausted, shattered or ill?
How would you feel if you were constantly charged with the responsibility of controlling everyone else in your family?

# Why is a narcissist unable to honour his part in agreements which he (she) has entered into?
Any agreement which the narcissist enters into is his (her) personal property and he (she) is therefore entitled to do with it whatever he (she) likes.

# What's a narcissist's definition of "rubbish"?
Items which take up space in the narcissist's house but which belong to someone other than the narcissist.

# What's a narcissist's idea of generosity?
Giving away things which the narcissist considers to be rubbish.

# What will a narcissist want to get rid of when moving house?
Those items which the narcissist considers to be "rubbish". (Maybe that's why some narcissists like to move house frequently).

# Why does a narcissist spend so much time rummaging in his/her spouse's and children's private possessions?
Well they belong to the narcissist too, don't they?

# What's a sure-fire way of getting daily verbal abuse?
Be the child of a narcissist.

# What do you call a narcissist who is never envious of others?
Exceptional!

# What is a narcissist's idea of being abused?
Occasionally having to go along with someone else's preferences

# Why do narcissists indulge in gaslighting?
I don't know, why do narcissists indulge in gaslighting?
I said moonlighting, there's no such thing as gaslighting. Why did you think I said gaslighting?

# Why do narcissists indulge in projection?
Respondent: I don't know why do...
Joker: It's not narcissists that indulge in projection, its you that indulges in projection. - you are so devoid of empathy and you always want lots of attention and if I dare to criticise you, you always fly off the handle and you go on and on and on about it and you never let me get a word in edgeways and as well as that you are always being charming to people when they are present and later on you always want to criticise them behind their backs! (pause for a deep breath)

# What is accessible to a narcissist and to no-one else?
The family finances.

# What's a narcissist's idea of hard work?
Arranging for lots of people to do all the chores.

# Why does a narcissist find it tiring to have lots of visitors?
Who said that acting wasn't tiring? (the narcissist has to present a false image to those whom he/she feels the need to impress - however -If the visitors stay long enough the narcissist might eventually let his/her guard down and the visitors might see a truer picture)

# Why do narcissists feel the need to control other people?
Perhaps it makes up for them not being able to control themselves.

# How do you get a narcissist to respect other peoples' preferences?
You can dream!

# What do you call a narcissist who can graciously accept criticism or blame?
Dead.

# What do you call a narcissist who is content to sit in the background during a lively discussion?
Rare! (the narcissist will always seek attention from others)

# What do you call a narcissist who can get through a whole day without criticising someone?
Unfeasible! (narcissists have to criticise others incessantly, despite the fact that they cannot bear to receive criticism)

# How can you tell when a narcissist is telling lies?
His/her lips are moving (narcissists feel a need to lie - it is regarded as an intrinsic part of his/her defenses)

# What do you call a narcissist who is apparently content to sit and watch someone else being praised?
One that's eager to impress the present company of course! (narcissists don't really like to see people other than themselves being praised unless the person being praised is of exceptionally high status)

# What should you do if you want to reveal your closest secrets to everyone?
Tell your darkest secrets to a narcissist first, then the narcissist will pass on your secret whenever he/she thinks it most appropriate(i.e. sooner rather than later).

# What do you call a narcissist who is always keen to return the favours which others do for him/her?
On the road to a cure, perhaps. (narcissists like to ask favours of others but don't really like others to ask favours of them)

# What's a narcissist's idea of compromise?
Persuading others to go along with the narcissist's preferences.

# What do you call a narcissist who is never vengeful?
A myth.

# Why does a narcissist often fail to keep his/her word?
Because a narcissist's promise is the narcissist's own property. So the narcissist has a right to break his/her promise if he/she wishes.

# What do you call a narcissist who learns to empathise with people in his/her family?
Cured! (inability to empathise properly with others is a key feature of pathological narcissism)

# What do you call a narcissist who is always content to let his/her husband or wife or children choose where the family should go on holiday to?
Definitely not a narcissist! (narcissists like to get their own way when it comes to making the decisions which they consider to be important)

# What do you call a narcissist who is content to let his/her husband or wife or children choose where the family should go on holiday to?
Planning someting - He's going to run off and put the house in his name while everyone is away.

from:http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Living_with_a_narcissist#A_light-hearted_look_at_narcissism_.28to_offer_comfort.29

How To Be A Man!

1. Don't call, ever. 2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike. "3. Play with yourself. Talk about it. 4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault. 5. Lie. 6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis. 7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. 8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. 9. Lie. 10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. 11. Say things like "Wha. . . ? "12. Deny everything. Everything. 13. Don't have a clue. 14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times. 15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant. "16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass. 17. Lie. 18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner? "Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily. "19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia. 20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity. 23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. 24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. 25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. 26. Lie. 27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway? 28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away. 29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. 30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will worship you. 31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in. 32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then. "33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. 34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top. 35. Practice your blank stare. 36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again. 37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say "See? ? ? ? I told you I couldn't do it. " Eventually people will stop asking you to do things. 38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies. 39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people. 40. Lie.

Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath Survival Letter

Your lies seep through me,
Deafening me to no end.
Doubting you was baffling,
But you knew I'd believe your act.

You must have no soul,
To be able to twist my insides,
Until I scream begging you to stop.
You're a monster,
Chewing at my mind,
Manipulating my thoughts.

You dare to tell me stories,
Bending your truths until they snap.
Using my own kindness against me,
Taking my forgiveness to your advantage.

Falling,
I reach for you in desperation,
But you let me slip through your grasp,
And you turned away and never looked back. Written by a Narcissistic Survivor! (not me, yet)

John wrote "a good woman" on my birthday, that should have awaken me to his Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath Behavior!
Here is a letter, John Telford will never understand, but felt good to write: Because I am a SURVIVOR!

Shocked & dismayed by his behavior. He never knew the word "Love". He took marriage & made it his personal circus. He took my self worth, respect & dignity, as apart of his fanatic entourage. Only after realizing just how much, affections were nothing more than Co-dependency to his MISOGYNIST MALIGNANT NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH BEHAVIOR, I found the courage to stop the abuse. Now, I no longer exist to him. He has used the charm of language, with elegant words to persuasively flaunt his self confidence, & destroy me verbally & emotionally. I congratulate him on his manipulative ability to see his self serving behavior as permissible. I realize I was an instrument, to be used, dominated & now humiliated & discarded. He crave adulation with his own fantasies, & convince others to believe in him, as did I. He wants to be the fighter for human rights & as the expert consultant, board president, & spokesperson for God. Therefore his powers & abilities are extremely convincing & pathologically consistent to change to his favor. How else could he tell me "I'm crazy, I need a shrink, I’m bi polar” etc.
He lacks remorse to see anyone as an human being. I was an opportunity he wanted to control, dominate, & own. He has disregarded me without guilt, 7 years of life. He was not genuine & his shallow emotions are a facade I once believed in.
He can only imitate the incapacity to feel a heart, I feel a spiritual rape for the contempt he has callously abused with my trust. He believe himself to be all knowing & entitled to every wish with no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for the impact of pain inflected on me & my son. I'm positive his current accomplices & associates see him as the perfect educator. Yet he has maliciously & without empathy, wreak havoc in my personal private life. He is oblivious to the devastation  given me, just as he has placed the blame on our marriage, due to my lack of obedience to serve him before God! He made promises for our future, but now he has relocated & changed to the image of a man I trusted, but never knew.
As usual, instead of facing reality, he will continue to perceive that nothing is wrong with him, & since he is incapable of real human attachment, I find myself at a loss realizing I have lived a nightmare which will follow me all the days of my life. For I cannot detach this pain which was to come when "Death do us part". But like a memory, this will pass.
I pray to God (not you), that God sees the truth & rewards well.
Anyone in a relationship with him, will just have to figure it out. He
speaks much, but it lacks Truth & Reality. He has exaggerated much in his book & that is why all the names named, are not thanking him. Just as he sabotaged being the superintend of Madison Schools, he couldn't do the job, so he distracted them with the race card to get fired, then he could boast about it as another feather in his cap for human rights.

He is a vile deceiver, I've had my funeral & am moving on.
I leave him with the words he once printed in one of his many articles:
"Look at what I've done for black people, I even married one of them". May God bless you all.